Saturday, August 20, 2011

Hold Me

I have been having one of those whoa is me kinda days...weeks, err...years. I know at times when things seem so tough, that those of you who are like me...have a tendency to feel like things just keep piling on and there is no way out.

I know things could be worse...much, much worse. They are not, and for that I am truly grateful. I really am. I just get down in the dumps sometimes...every couple of months or so...honestly, I don't know how often. I could always ask the hubby, but I'm kinda scared at what his answer might be :)

Anyhow, I have been feeling particularly blah today and as if I haven't a clue on what I should be doing with Kylie. It feels like she has been extra whiny, screamy, and not so how I wish she would be behaving and working with me. Most can tell you I am not the most patient, but I try so very hard when it is just Kylie and I...which is like a lot of the time. Hubby has to work hard to bring home the bacon.

I have been struggling with trying to work with these sensory issues. The hard part is things can be just fine one day with a certain activity or routine, and then be absolutely nuts the next time you try it. I am told that is what makes them sensory to them. Trying to filter out the possible upset in the whole scene is often difficult, and even impossible to pinpoint. So adding that on top of her anxiety and the fact that she is only 2 can make for a weary mommy.

I think I went past my quota with the amount of patience I have/had. By the time I got Kylie dressed today, which was still morning time...I was done. I told Matt that he and Kylie could go out and I was staying home. I was already buried in my bed when Kylie ran up to give me a hug and kiss before they left. After the hug and kiss she said, "what I do next?" She knew she was supposed to say or do something else. After a slight pause of silence she said, "I love you momma."

Yep, just when I was already feeling like a crappy momma for not feeling like I could do much more with this little girl, she lets me know she loves me. Granted, Matt had something to do with it...she said it and it made me feel just a bit more pathetic.

So there I was, at home by myself with a face full of tears. I got myself together by the time they got back, but the mommy guilt has been weighing on me all day.

After looking through some recent pics I have taken of Kylie, I have been able to reflect on some of the wonderful growth she has made.

A couple weeks ago we attended the baptism service that our church held at our local park. The baptism was taking place on the beach area. I was figuring one of us would be holding Kylie the entire time, or we would be back and away from the sand.

Kylie has never liked the sand...never really even tried to experience it, as the sight of it is usually enough to upset her. Once we arrived...we realized we were late, as they were already in the middle of a prayer. I was a bit worried Kylie might yell or scream when we began to walk on the sandy beach, but she didn't!

Nope, she just wanted her shoes off. AMAZING!

Amazing that not only was she wanting to walk on the sand barefoot, but she chose...He chose for it to be the day that we were gathered with members from our church during a very special service.

It was so beautiful, that instead of me taking pictures of those being baptized....I took pictures of Kylie's first willing experience with sand...between her toes, and sifting through her hands.

Looking at these pics makes me weepy, but this time it is the happy kind! I am so grateful that He shows me His love and greatness through Kylie.

This just makes me think of a song that I absolutely love right now....Kylie loves it too! Whenever it comes on she tells me to turn it up :) Here is a link to Hold Me, by Jamie Grace.

After you click to play the song, go back through and look at the pics again...makes you smile even more :)


Rochelle said...

It is good for you and Kylie for you to step away sometimes. You are doing a great job with her and she has come so far. Don't beat yourself up over things. Praying for you, if you ever want some mom time call me.

MJStump said...

Thank you so much Rochelle! I'm trying to breathe a lot more and though it is tough...we will all survive and be better for it.


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